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Joy valueD

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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2010|12:44 am]
Joy valueD

i feel sad, and have minor urges for tears, I miss my mom.

I know i'm stressed and i'm also dragging myself down. 

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(no subject) [Jun. 15th, 2009|02:12 am]
Joy valueD

I honestly never thought I'd end up comparing any one to Josh and said he was better.

 

When Josh does something wrong he at least says this "I don't know what I did wrong, but what ever it is - I'm sorry."

 

Mo on the other hand, won't apologize for shit and has the nerve to tell me he doesn't wanna feed into my ego by apologizing.

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(no subject) [Jun. 9th, 2009|03:56 am]
Joy valueD
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]

     It's really hard to tell the person you still love that you don't want to be with them, but I've already had the privilege of doing that... repeatedly. Today was one of those days as well. I can't say I'm pleased, i just know I'm aching and just starting to cry.

 

He really gave me a lot to hope for and I fell in love with every image I had of the future. They were all very promising, or maybe just too idealistic and naive.

 

 

I just hope that I can find that person who'll have my back because he knows I got his.

He'll be able to deal with how I am and all my maintenance preferences lol.

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I HATE SMOKING!! ... and he keeps puffing his Cigarettes. [Jun. 2nd, 2009|02:21 am]
Joy valueD
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

I just finished cleaning and organizing the basement a bit and Mo helped me do some lifting and the rearranging. When it came down to sorting through a box full of stuff, I became overwhelmed and a little headache dizzy took over me.

 

He went out to smoke... came back reeking.

So I went to the hall, hoping for fresh air... but there was a scent of his ciggs just trialing after him as he walked into the house.

 

Asked him not to spray it, as the cross breed of two strong scents will make me want to strangle myself; I mind as well because I'd be coughing from being choked up by the air.

---

He sprayed any ways...

 

Ignored me...

I am so annoyed and just disgusted right now...AAAaarrruuugggghhhhh !!!

-----------

What bugged me is the scent. (2 scents)

The fact that he ignored me again... (earlier he did the same with what we were watching.... just took it off thinking he was doing me a favor.)

Giving him an inch and he keeps pushing that convenience for a yard. Pisses me off!!!

All that talking for nothing.

Him telling me he's appreciative and will cut back again when he's around me.... but nothing.... just more and more smoking.

I feel lied to.

-----

 

I know he sprayed with good intentions in mind, but I know what I asked "Do NOT Spray" doesn't matter where or how far... just DON'T DO IT!!!

But I did felt kindabad watching his eyes turning pinkish and watery, I can tell he felt bad and felt hurt.

Which is what made me reframe from saying much or anything mean; outside of what I was going through and needed to communicate. Because I was going to walk out of there when I smelled the spray, my impulse was to walk off pissed.

 

I tried really hard to sit in the room and still boiling on the inside.

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I'm sick of being made to feel bad about feeling hurt caused by the same person. [May. 29th, 2009|02:42 am]
Joy valueD

I think my delayed reaction finally caught up to me.

 

Talking to Mary made me realized how I had to negotiate with my boyfriend in order to spend an extra 30mins with him. He probably don't realize this but I think we have grown very apart, more so than our original goal of being together.

 

I am no one's charity case! 

---

A communication problem simply won't work.

We don't understand each other.

He doesn't care for or about my pixels.

I don't recall any recent day where we went out and enjoyed oursevles.

I'm really unhappy.

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Common Sense ISN'T common.... at all :( [May. 27th, 2009|10:03 pm]
Joy valueD

 

Had a short and simple talk with Daddy.

He thinks we argued, but the fact is..we didn't even talk that much for an argument to spark this time.

It went from a pixel i was sad about onto him being frustrated and then saying mean things to me.

The "You" statements of blame when someone's feeling bad isn't appreciated, ever.

 

---

 

 

 

Bday plans....

 

1940's themed party
all your clothes inside out

museum of sex

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What does your "Word" mean to me? [Apr. 19th, 2009|01:47 pm]
Joy valueD

 

Blah blah blah blah, BLAH!! yappiety yappiety YAPP :: imitating hand gestures :::...

 

You're full of shit!

 

I don't believe you.

 

You are NOT a "Man" of your Words.

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You [Apr. 10th, 2009|02:26 am]
Joy valueD
"Everything in life is just another battle field, and it's every man for themselves. There's no such thing as a team, there's no partnership. It's like dodge ball, 1 -1 slaughters till no man stands, but you in their puddle of demise."

I hope you bleed a lot.

I hope I'm causing it.

I hope you live so this happens Again.

Being considerate towards you was the dumbest thing I've done.
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Recap [Apr. 6th, 2009|01:55 am]
Joy valueD

     I know mentally I am not in a good place, because looking at my room right now - it's obvious. And the fact that my weight has reached a new height, this is just sad and pathetic. I'm not motivated enough to step up and tread. I'm very tempted to go for a substance for weight loss.

 

I know I was hurt and pissed at the fact this afternoon, "How dare you demand anything from me? You have NO RIGHT, to ask anything from me. I don't owe you a damn thing!"

     Next thing I know, I started shutting off. Sleepy.

 

I feel like he's bringing out the side of me that I wasn't too fond of before and I still don't like it.

I don't like just letting people get hurt. But this is the same person who would put me out on the chopping block. It makes me angry.

 

I can't say I don't love him because I still care for him, and he knows that. But I also know I'm  detaching on the inside. It bothers me but I know it's my inner safety procedure.

I don't think this is something you can repair. Pain isn't a void to be filled. 

 

 

A little less social, a little less involved and a lot less concerned.

Back to stage one of the hermit crab.

.....................................................................................................................................................

"I'm not Juan"

 

I know you're not, but you don't differ much from him anymore.

Pain feels like same. Some more intense than others.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I found myself wanting to ask for my blogs back. It reminded me of when I asked Juan to give me back processions bought to ownership by me. I know I did that just to make him feel bad, make him feel the amount of loss in his world, his room, and the emptyness of it. But my bloggs, they are personal to me. I don't feel like a person that hurts me should be holding a piece of me that's genuine and kind hearted. I's like leaving out your archiles heel and marking the x on it for you eniemies.

 

I really hate the fact that I can't place him before me. That was my supposed partner, my fall back, my other half of the coin in this whole. I had to pick his pain or my pain last night on the phone. It breaks my heart to hear him sob in that manner because I want to leave.

 

But I know he's made me sob that way just because he wanted his way, solely for himself.

He would make me hurt just to feel good.

He would push a knife into my sides just so he wouldn't feel it.

 

The realization of that hurts more than the actual pain during the situation.

(I was too busy being numb wanting to pull through for him, and my own education.)

 

Now I can understand why I wanted to give myself a break again. :/

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I'm just a useful person. [Mar. 26th, 2009|01:47 am]
Joy valueD

I know it's not his job to look out for me as an individual. I'm not his burden, and I chose to look after him on my own will.

He doesn't have to reciprocate, and he's right - the guy I want is one that will reciprocate and he's not it.

 

I trusted his judgments instead of my own gut instincts. Because I love him and so I had faith, so I had hope.

 

.............

 

i just dun understand...
i keep getting the "you deserve better"
from the same person treating me like shit to enter a relationship wiv me
the fuck did i do wrong?
i get acknowledged for being a good person, great friend, and an ideal wife
but i always get to be treated like shit
by the same person saying these things to me

.............

I think I'm meant to be alone.

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