I know mentally I am not in a good place, because looking at my room right now - it's obvious. And the fact that my weight has reached a new height, this is just sad and pathetic. I'm not motivated enough to step up and tread. I'm very tempted to go for a substance for weight loss.
I know I was hurt and pissed at the fact this afternoon, "How dare you demand anything from me? You have NO RIGHT, to ask anything from me. I don't owe you a damn thing!"
Next thing I know, I started shutting off. Sleepy.
I feel like he's bringing out the side of me that I wasn't too fond of before and I still don't like it.
I don't like just letting people get hurt. But this is the same person who would put me out on the chopping block. It makes me angry.
I can't say I don't love him because I still care for him, and he knows that. But I also know I'm detaching on the inside. It bothers me but I know it's my inner safety procedure.
I don't think this is something you can repair. Pain isn't a void to be filled.
A little less social, a little less involved and a lot less concerned.
Back to stage one of the hermit crab.
"I'm not Juan"
I know you're not, but you don't differ much from him anymore.
Pain feels like same. Some more intense than others.
I found myself wanting to ask for my blogs back. It reminded me of when I asked Juan to give me back processions bought to ownership by me. I know I did that just to make him feel bad, make him feel the amount of loss in his world, his room, and the emptyness of it. But my bloggs, they are personal to me. I don't feel like a person that hurts me should be holding a piece of me that's genuine and kind hearted. I's like leaving out your archiles heel and marking the x on it for you eniemies.
I really hate the fact that I can't place him before me. That was my supposed partner, my fall back, my other half of the coin in this whole. I had to pick his pain or my pain last night on the phone. It breaks my heart to hear him sob in that manner because I want to leave.
But I know he's made me sob that way just because he wanted his way, solely for himself.
He would make me hurt just to feel good.
He would push a knife into my sides just so he wouldn't feel it.
The realization of that hurts more than the actual pain during the situation.
(I was too busy being numb wanting to pull through for him, and my own education.)
Now I can understand why I wanted to give myself a break again. :/